A Gungan Goes Down
by Bloodlustful
Summary: Rewriting of the Phantom Menace scene in which Jar Jar Binks is first introduced. This is not only something which would have been much better for that scene, but also something that's got other enjoyable parts to go with it. Insatiable for Jar Jar death stories? If so, here's the latest one of them! Read away! Rated M for graphic content and some bad language.


Hello, Star Wars fans! I, a part of you named Bloodlustful, have not written a whole lot of fics about the franchise, ironically enough.

But that changes a little bit here with how I'm handling "Star Wars-Episode I-The Phantom Menace".

Because this is a rewriting of the scene which(unfortunately)introduces us to Jar Jar Binks(who, as you know, is not only by far the most hated character in all of Star Wars, but also could very well be the most hated character in all of fiction, bar none), and one which depicts what should have happened in that scene just a moment or two after Qui Gon Jinn saved Jar Jar's pathetic, useless, undeserved life.

I can assure you that it will be nothing short of a satisfying and wonderful read.

In fact, I dare you not to love it. That's how great it will be, I promise you.

THINGS TO NOTE:

This rewriting of that scene, as you might have guessed, is meant to cater to essentially every single last one of the multitudes of Star Wars fans there are, and I'm hoping it does so as I plan it to.

Of course I hate Jar Jar Binks myself, which is all the more reason to perform this redoing of his introductory scene.

I am well aware that this sort of thing has been written before by other Star Wars fans, on this site or otherwise, and for damn good reason, too, but I thought I'd make my own little version of it despite how enjoyable the others were for those reading them and I am glad they loved those ones, as well.

Part of while I'm certain you'll love this so much is because additions are made to it so that the things outside of the main rewriting purpose of the story are what one would consider so very wonderful, entertaining, awesome and in the "if only" category BIG TIME.

I own none of the characters, nor the scene from "The Phantom Menace" that I'm rewriting, as they all belong to "Star Wars".

A Gungan Goes Down

Qui Gon Jinn could not believe what the hell had just happened.

He was being pursued by a powerful invasion force known as OOM-9, specifically one of its Multi Troop Transports, and suddenly came across some funky looking creature which had previously just been foraging for food, but panicked when seeing what was occurring, which resulted in how said creature crashed into him and nearly got them run over, which only was averted because he tackled his sudden company to the ground and held them both down until the Transport had passed by.

Though the one he'd just saved, a gungan who went by the name of Jar Jar Binks, as it would turn out, believed himself to be in Qui Gon's debt, the only feeling that the Jedi felt was that of being irked, quickly made clear by what followed, which was Jar Jar, well, following him.

"Hey, wait!" cried out the gungan. As he stayed only a few feet behind Qui Gon while walking in the same direction as him, he said: "Ooh, mooey, mooey, I love you!"

But Qui Gon's only response was: "You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?"

Jar Jar then replied: "I spake!" but Qui Gon told him: "The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here."

Protesting, Jar Jar insisted: "No, no! Meesa stay! Meesa called Jar Jar Binks! Meesa your humble servant!"

"That won't be necessary." said Qui Gon, clearly keeping himself under control despite how infuriating, annoying and patience testing this obvious idiot and blatant loser was, even for one as patient, collected and calm as he was.

Continuing to suggest otherwise, Jar Jar spoke: "Oh, but it 'tis! Tis demanded by the gods, it is!"

Suddenly, they saw lasers firing in the distance, and Jar Jar cried out in another panic: "OH, NO!"

"Stay down!" commanded Qui Gon, and Jar Jar quickly obeyed him, or at least began to.

Because, see, the one firing the lasers was a battle droid riding a speeder, and when Qui Gon had his lightsaber at the ready to deflect the lasers back at said battle droid and the speeder it was flying towards them on, Jar Jar accidentally got his legs crossed and stuck together, which resulted in Qui Gon inadvertently cutting off a good portion of Jar Jar's upper right side and his entire right arm, not to mention the end of the right side of his neck.

So Qui Gon was quickly turned from how he was going to get rid of that battle droid via making it explode along with its speeder when he heard Jar Jar yell: " **E-RAAAAAAAAAA! YE-RAAAAAAAAAA! ERAAAAAAAAAAA! E-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! E-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**

The gungan was in very clear and just as excruciating pain that one can neither describe nor imagine, with the badly burned area that used to have what had been cut off of him on it also bleeding out horrendously and swiftly as all holy hell, and just as Qui Gon made his lightsaber blade shrink back into its handle while looking down at the nastily harmed/injured/wounded gungan and saying: "Oh, dear…what just…?"

Before he could continue with what he was saying, he saw the shadow of the battle droid's speeder behind him, and reacted quickly by diving out of the way, with the lasers that the battle droid meant for him hitting Jar Jar instead, making many holes in him that were bleeding even more than they were burning, though they were doing the latter plenty.

 **"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEAAAUUUUGGGHNYAAAIEEEERAAAAAAA!"** Jar Jar howled in mortal pain of the worst sort, and, though he was already mortally wounded before thanks to the accident from Qui Gon's lightsaber, now he was well beyond the state of being injured in a way that was nothing short of morbid.

Qui Gon got back up immediately after hearing this, but just before he could go forward to where the gungan was lying down, hurting like hell and helpless as hell, especially the former, he saw that the battle droid had just turned its speeder around and was ready to shoot him this time, to which Qui Gon responded by drawing his lightsaber and igniting it again, and this time he was able to deflect the lasers fired at him, which hit the speeder and the one riding it alike at the same time.

The way in which they hit, however, caused what was left of the mostly destroyed speeder and the fully destroyed battle droid, to go sailing right down to where Jar Jar was, and Qui Gon had no time to do shit about it when it nailed the gungan and made him scream louder than ever in the former of: **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAERAAAAAAAAAOOWW!"**

"Halpee…meesa…pleaseee…" Jar Jar managed to push through as a horribly agonized and barely audible gasp, but Qui Gon once more had to time to attempt anything, as Obi Wan Kenobi, his Jedi Knight apprentice and indeed the Padawan learner of the Jedi Master, showed up all of a sudden and said: "Master, I…" but was shocked at the hideous sight of the now all too fatally harmed Jar Jar.

So shocked, disgusted, put off and jarred(HA!)by said sight, in fact, that he quickly drew his lightsaber, especially with the way that other battle droids on other speeders had been pursuing him and forcing him to go this way and that way until he finally saw Qui Gon and ran in his direction, and ignited it, then he sliced off Jar Jar's cock and balls at the same time, also slicing off his left leg after that, since what had happened to him after he lost part of the right portion of his body made it so that he lost all of his other limbs, as well, along with his body being blown wide open in the worst way.

 **"NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PLEASEAAA! MEESA BEGGEY YOUSA! STAAAAAAAPEEEY! SAVIOR OF MEESA! HELPEEE! TEEELEEE HIM WHAT HESA NEEDSA TOSA KNOWEEE! EEEEEEEIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"** Jar Jar screeched, but it was no use at all.

For despite Qui Gon saying: "OBI WAN, WAIT! HE'S WITH ME! I…" Obi Wan replied: "WITH YOU? This anathema? No way in hell! He's obviously tried to act as if he is for no doubt some means to get something for himself which he means to hide! Ulterior motives, indeed!"

During this reply, Obi Wan swung his lightsaber in ways that made Jar Jar's organs, arteries, veins, muscles and bones fly all over the place, with his blood splattering across every space within range of where this was occurring, and after Jar Jar let out one final cry, this one consisting of: **"NOOOEEEYYYEEEOWWWAAAIIIEEEAAAAEERRRAAAAAAAA!"** a tree branch which one of the other battle droid speeders dislodged with its lasers saved Obi Wan the trouble of finishing Jar Jar off, as said branch fell on him with easily enough impact to get rid of what little life was left in him, and the end of it had a sharp curve which went right through and scrape down inside of his head until it was through his neck and at the place where what was left of his chest started.

After Qui Gon and Obi Wan then deflected away the lasers from this battle droid speeder and all other ones, killing every last one of their foes in the end, they looked to the mess of blood and guts that was Jar Jar's remains and Qui Gon said: "Obi Wan, you shouldn't have reacted so heatedly just because of how admittedly repulsive what you saw was."

"What are you talking about, Master?" asked Obi Wan. "There's obviously something that I don't know which you do."

Qui Gon nodded and explained everything, and when he was finished, Obi Wan said: "Oh, my…you are right, master. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions just because of how startled I was when I saw this gungan named Jar Jar Binks here. It's too late now, though, and I have a feeling he would have died even if I hadn't suddenly started striking at him without thinking, given what state he was in before I got here."

"Yes, he most likely would have." Qui Gon agreed, "but if only I'd had a chance to at least try and help him and let you know about all of this. However, since it is now far too late, and since there is too much we need to focus on, such as our current priority of contacting Queen Padmé Amidala in Theed, we cannot pay any more thought to the unfortunate but unavoidable death of this creature. Perhaps one or more of the ones here in this forest know about him and will decide to pay tribute, but that's not our mission here."

"I agree with you on all counts, Master." Obi Wan concurred. "So I do believe it is time for us to go and leave this messy pile of death to everything else here that isn't part of the Trade Federation."

"You believe most correctly, my young Padawan learner." Qui Gon confirmed. "Let's not stall any longer."

And so, they took off, leaving behind the pile of mutilated and mangled meat that was once Jar Jar Binks, with blood everywhere around it and all that had played a part in killing the gungan still just as present as before, right down to how the crashed speeder remains stayed on him and let steam loose from themselves.

Later on, Anakin Skywalker would be found on Tatooine and win a very important pod race, with the two Jedi meeting up with a powerful Sith lord named Darth Maul twice before and twice after this happened, him nearly beating them both by himself with his double bladed lightsaber, skills and sheer power before he had to escape in the first three cases and killing Qui Gon, plus almost doing the same to Obi Wan before the Jedi Knight turned the tables on him and, ironically, killed him using his master's lightsaber instead of his own(since Maul had kicked his lightsaber down the very pit where the Sith's two halves would fall soon thereafter, also ironically, once Obi Wan sliced him in half as how he would see him dead at last)the fourth time.

While it was no easy task, especially since Maul was, alongside doing everything that he was ordered to do, very intimidating, badass and creative in how he killed whoever he could, which was multiple victims, and his murdering of Qui Gon, the final one, consisted of bopping the Jedi Master's chin with the handle of his double bladed lightsaber, so there you go, the Trade Federation was stopped and Anakin, by Qui Gon's final wishes to Obi Wan while dying, would be trained by Obi Wan to become a Jedi Knight, with Obi Wan, of course, becoming the Jedi Master in the process.

As for Jar Jar Binks, he was never seen, heard from or mentioned again, especially after his remains became a source of food for those who needed one and what tiny bits of bones were left of him became powder after being walked on soon enough, followed by that powder becoming part of the dirt below it, so Jar Jar was gone in the strongest sense of the word that was imaginable, and indeed the most literal, profound and thorough sense of it.

THE END

So, did you guys like this or what? Wasn't it great to see Jar Jar be fucking destroyed within only the first few moments of his first scene, and in a way so motherfucking macabre, too, like should have been the case in the movie, just as what it led to in this fic, as described above, should have been the case in the movie, as well? Ratings and reviews, please!


End file.
